Why, As A Mixed-Race Woman, I Struggle with My Whiteness
I grew up in Pittsburgh in a white family who taught me to identify as white. Only at age 27 did I learn that I had a Black biological father.
As a mixed-race woman who has internalized racism and white privilege, I undertook the journey of integrating an identity that felt “other” but at the same time spoke truth to experiences I had always known but failed to recognize. I have felt shame and guilt for having bought into my family’s lie, for passing, and for distancing myself from the few African Americans in my community.
In middle school, two of my Black classmates approached me and asked if I wanted to join their group. They didn’t say “group of Black students,” but I knew what they meant. I said no. Their recognition of our shared identity made me uncomfortable because I had been taught to see Blackness as “less than.” The white me couldn’t risk being associated with them. That feeling led me to reject the offer of friendship from kids who, like me, were trying to find a group where they belonged.
My identity journey has been complicated by my mother’s claim that my biological father was an unknown man who raped her. For a long time, her story made it difficult for me to feel pride in my Black…
